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Hello blogg.
It's been a really long time! well many many things happened, but i'm not gonna post them here, because friend, i'm unofficially abandoning you. hahaha. well that basically means that i won't be posting here anymore, at least not as often. maybe once in a reallyyy long time. but it doesn't mean that i'll just leave you out here to get devoured and torn apart by the vultures of the internet. i'm not THAT heartless. afterall, you've kept a super long archive of all my posts in the past, all the way back to sec 2. i treasure that.
the main reason for this, however, is largely because i've decided to keep a journal instead. and i guess there are many reasons why a journal triumphs a blog. firstly, i get to express myself freely. i don't have to censor myself for fear of offending anyone who's reading this. like you know sometimes when i typed posts here i felt really constipated? i just couldn't type. with a journal, i can write all the crap i want in it, and i can be who i feel i really am, without the fear of anyone commenting on that. and i don't think there's anything wrong with that, because i can safely say, not everyone is who they seem. it's just a matter of how similar that mask you hold is to the true character in you. and here, i have to be politically correct and all. sucks.
secondly, i think i spent most of the past few years of my life dwelling here as a committed net-izen. i've made friends, lost friends, got to know a lot more about friends over blogs and everything. but i realised something important - that true friends don't need to depend on reading each others' blogs, or talking over msn frequently, or tagging on one anothers' tagboards all the time. real friends are people. they are people who.. may not talk to you every single day of your life, but when they really do go out to have a meal with you every once in a while, or maybe just when you happen to sit down with them for a little while, they are people who actually talk to you, and just go on and on and on about everything that happened in the past few days when you guys weren't talking. and one person who made me realise this is my buddy. i mean, she really doesn't use her phone (hahahahah XD) cos it keeps getting stolen by ppl who wanna play on it. and she doesn't come on msn too cos she's usually doing some other stuff. but she still has a wonderful life out there, and when we do talk, after not talking for like a few weeks, we talk A LOT. call me a hypocrite, call me a liar. anything you want. because i think i made a mistake, and it's time i realised it, and made a move. and anyway, i won't lose anything just by abandoning this blog, i can still read everyone else's once in a while when i'm bored, and i can still catch up on people like bumping into them in the train (right monkey :D).
thirdly, i think i'm addicted not just to games. i'm addicted to the computer. and i think one of the first steps to solving that is to do this, so that i have one less reason to use the computer. i'm too busy to blog at a healthy rate anyway.
fourthly, i want to kinda start on a newer, and fresher page. this blog stores many emo posts, and unhappy memories. and over the past few months, i've slowly met and got to know people who showed me that life is more to than just moaning and complaining about how much you are suffering. they showed me that living a life is making the best of what you have, and being happy while you can, because really, life's too short to be anything but happy. i got that from biquan by the way. and even at the times when you have to part with friends, or even your loved ones, you've got to realise that this is cyclical. people come and go; what doesn't change is change itself. and what you can do after that, is to get on with life, and live the rest of your life happily, as long as it lasts. i want to stand up again, and remember who i was before, before all that mess. everything that i planned for and the things i wanted to achieve. and that can only come if i throw out all the self-pity and stupid cooked up cases of sorrow.
and fifth, i guess a journal is a convenient place to store all the random notes you get, like cos sometimes they are so flimsy they look like they can tear anytime, but you don't want them to tear, and you have no place to store. haha. the journal's a nice place to store them :D
so... farewell, my dark, emo friend. i leave you with this:
till the next time ^^
10:37 PM
i was told, quite some time ago, that people change when JC comes. i didn't believe it at first, but now i do. many of my friends have changed. i think i have changed. i've lost my humour, maybe drive, amongst other things. and sometimes i just wonder if it's even change at all. maybe we just revealed who we are, underneath. but i think i've gained more things - foresight, focus, and some sense.
i've grown numb to this environment. first it was sadness, then horror, then disappointment, and i guess now it's numbness, and next... i think it's just a matter of being happy and facing it. life, to me, seems like a continuous cycle of forging and breaking friendships. well, the social aspect, of course. and like what my parents once told me, the only people who will actually stick to you all your life includes your family, and those few crazy people who you know really well.
it's a sad thing at first thought. your classmates, your friends. look at them, and then you ask yourself, will i still be talking to them another 4 or 5 years down the road? you never know. then it's not too bad after all. it's tiring maintaining friendships; only those that are really true manage to stay intact through time. and these are the ones which you should treasure.
haha. so i guess i'm back to square one again. i think we all have been. we are all alone, sailing through this life. like what a special friend once told me, solitude's not THAT bad a thing. it's quite fun actually. i won't have to worry about much, except for the those few people, and i can trot around the globe and go wherever i want. this place is huge; why confine yourself? that's my dream - to explore the world and see everything that i can. maybe things will change when i grow older and i might not be able to do this. oh well, but that comes later. for now i think i'll have to appreciate my busy life, because i don't want to be looking back at my JC life and remembering days spent mugging books in a library or in my small room. 2 years only; a quarter has just flown past. another 3/4 to go!
oh oh. but don't worry friend, i THINK i might still come back and update you even when i'm 30 or 40 years old. that is if the Internet still exists at that time haha :P right then. back to work. see ya ^^
6:37 PM
i know it's pretty late already, and it's a long day for me tomorrow. but i think i really have to say this to myself. today marks the start of a fresh chapter for me. i don't want to look back anymore. i really feel that, like what pek said, one sided things can only go that far. even friendships. so i'm not going to chase this anymore because it's draining me very badly. what's meant to be is meant to be hm? a new chapter's unfolding ahead and i'm looking forward to it.
so this is a personal pledge to myself - that no matter what department or function or work that i may end up with, i'll do it to the very best that i can, simply because i only have one single year and that means no regrets. to me, no regrets means a 100% and nothing less. no dream or task is ever too incredible or impossible. one point in the goh's speech which really struck me was that.. by the time most people say that they want to start pursuing their dreams, after they have had 2 kids, a stable career, a stable life; they start to realise, with much horror, that they can no longer do that because other things are in their way.
i hope i can keep up with myself for the time ahead, and try my best not to give anything less than a 100.
it's just really a pity though. a pity. i guess it was my fault, but there's nothing you and i can do anymore. i really tried, but that's all i can do. if you don't want it as much as i do, then fine, so be it. this is kinda like goodbye then, see ya. i'll not forget those times though, they are still precious to me.
go 29ths council ^^ i'm ready and all set to go.
11:44 PM
I mean, by the very fact that chewing gum is banned in Singapore, and for that matter, being one of the rare countries that actually have this law, it already says a lot about us as citizens. To me, one of the biggest problems we face as a nation is our lack of national pride and unity. To clarify, national pride can be seen in many aspects - through regional and international competitions, through national economic progress, NS and so on. We talk about big things like becoming a globalized city, bringing in the MNCs and welcoming foreigners. Yet, we have overseen the smallest of tasks in our giant to-do list - to become more civic-minded citizens.
While one might argue that he is trying his best to be a responsible citizen, that is barely sufficient. Many Singaporeans fail to recognize that when foreigners craft their impressions of Singapore in their minds, it is a collective effort by all of us, as one nation, to make sure that the impression we leave behind is a positive one. Think kiasu-ism. How many of us can actually step out and say that we have not been selfish in our entire lives? No one in the world can. However, this trait is especially prominent in the average Singaporean relative to a person elsewhere in the world, simply because we are sucked way too deep into it. Our lives start to revolve around ourselves.
Another example. Check out the numbers which prank-called the emergency hotline for people who suspect they might be infected by the H1N1 virus - about 6 in 10 calls have been prank-calls. The virus that has the potential to be many times more deadly than SARS. While it is true that we cannot exactly draw a hypothesis that Singaporeans are totally immature simply from this statistical result because the prank-callers might have been kids or teenagers, it still utterly disappoints me as a Singaporean. If the above mentioned is the case, why do parents not teach their children properly then? Why do we even do this? It is disappointing because such people do not see the bigger picture. They do not see that for every prank call they make, they might delay an ambulance getting to another dying or suffering person out there. Again, why? Because it doesn't concern them.
It's really shameful to be a Singaporean sometimes because of things like that. However, I still have faith in Singaporeans, in ourselves, because I feel that we just need time. It has only been less than 50 years, and we have already come a long way. If we can already fly and soar in the skies, why can't we relook at the way we walk?
yay okay. back to econs :D
1:08 PM
I had a plan in mind. The plan that will make sure that I will have no regrets, and to make sure that I will be happy. So far, I don't think I'm really happy. I have been asking myself why.
I think firstly, it's really because I haven't gone skating in so damn long. 6 weeks. That's living hell. I'm not kidding nor exaggerating when I say I feel super shitty cos of this. One of the things that have more or less stayed constant in my life since I was small is skating. Life has already taken so many things away from me. But just not this, please. I don't think I'm ready to give up skating. It's hard to describe; when I'm skating, I feel the life flowing into me, like I'm reborn all over again. It's almost like visiting an old friend. I get the exact same feeling as I did many years ago. It never changes. And that gives me a peace of mind, because I'd know that I'm still the same boy on the inside. Carefree. Without a worry. Haha. Well another morbid thought I had was - i used to think, if I were to crash and die while skating, and if there were such things as spirits, my spirit will forever be lingering around east coast, never to leave. I think, that hasn't changed at all. I'm gonna skate this weekend again, finally. Call me a skate-freak for all you want. I am one. Skating's my life.
And the next is a scary thought. A few days ago, I have suddenly been wondering if I am truly a science student. Well for one, I know I really do love chemistry quite a lot. I enjoy my chemistry lessons, if not for the fatigue. But for bio... I don't know if I have been forcing myself to like biology all this while. I suddenly have doubts. Would I have been more happy if I took history? I'm not really sure anymore. But not like I can do anything about it. Thus it remains a thought. Hope it goes away.
The third reason.. it's something I cannot write here, unfortunately. But it really sucks.
Fortunately, life has thrown back at me some other good things. Like my awesome buddy ^^ and classmates who are really cool! Oh well. I guess I'll just have to cherish every moment as it comes along.
And dude, I really miss you. Please come back into my life soon.
Well for now I guess it's really just my skates, and myself. And my buddy too haha. So long, my blog ^^
This is the first day of the future.
9:09 PM
JC life has been good so far. My class is really really awesome. Like, everything? I'm so glad my classmates are who they are, and I don't think there can ever be anything better. Well okay, maybe :P but yeah, i love my class. Before I sleep every night, I'd flip open my file to check the timetable for the next day. I will usually become really sian (unless it's a wed or fri :D), but the thought of all the silly funny things that my classmates and I do together really makes up for all of the hard work. And you know, not just my classmates rock? I think my tutors rock too! Chem tutor is like awesome la, totally XD Econs tutor, she's like quite angsty most of the time for no reason? But it's hilarious when she sneaks a smile now and then cos my class is just so damn funny. We're irresistable, y'know? Hahahaha. Bio tutor's got backbone and is pretty motherly, like you know, strict when she needs to be, but she plays along when we joke around sometimes ^^ As for math she's quite auntie la, but at least she teaches well :D I think I enjoy chem tutorials the most though. You really learn a lot. A lot as in much much more than the students in other classes learn from the same topic. And at the same time, because it is so fun, 2 hours can fly by pretty easily. Cheers, 10SO3L :D love you guys.
As for frisbee, it's been really fun too! It's just that sometimes I find myself pretty detached from my CCA mates. I don't know whether i'm just doing it subconsciously or anything. Sorry if this sounds really ego, but I don't feel like I belong there. Yeah of course frisbee is really really fun! I go crazy over it sometimes. But it's just that... it doesn't seem to be my calling la. I'm just doing it because it's enjoyable. Still, my CCA mates rock :D It's quite different compared to polo, and it's quite slack, i mean, you actually get time to walk around instead of running. Burst sports are my cup of tea though ^^ Frisbee is a lot more skill and brain than polo though. Not saying that polo is not, but frisbee requires you to think more than you need to be fit. You don't exactly have to be damn fit, but you need to be able to think. And i'm still trying to master the thinking part hahaha :P
Council is going to be added to this list soon, and there is gonna be another whole big group of friends that I'll come to know. Pretty interesting haha. I'm a little worried though, that some councillors say that once you are in council, you won't have the words 'free' and 'time' in your dictionary anymore. I don't know. I want to be able to breathe a little still? Then i look at chenyang from frisbee, and he seems like he's still doing quite okay mah. So yeah, hopefully. And hopefully i'll have some spare time on my hands to spend... haha.
Hm. Alright i guess i don't have much else to say. Here's the quote of the week, or month haha. From the Wizard of Oz, 'As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don't know how lucky you are not to have one.'
It's so emo la i know, but it's kinda true sometimes right? Okay, songs of the week:
Pendulum - Propane Nightmares
Shinedown - Second Chance
haha, i'm kinda in a really good mood now, though i'm really tired. thanks ^^ haha.
:D
8:28 PM
On friday the A' Level results were released, and RJC did its best in 28 years. Well if you look closer, it has done its best since the birth of the student council hahaha :P well i'm pretty sure it's coincidental, but it's still quite funny thinking about it. One in two people got 3As, and I think that's a pretty good representation. There were J3s everywhere, gleeful faces, smiles, tears of joy and of course, tears of disappointment and regret as well. I didn't really feel anything until it dawned on me that I will be in their shoes in just 2 years. It was scary looking at the people who didn't get what they wanted. These people looked like their world just collapsed. Empty eyes staring into blank space, trembling hands clutching results slips; a sense of helplessness just surrounded them. When those eyes meet yours, they just pierce straight into your mind and your heart for a moment; that there is a possibility that you might become them in the future. I felt for them; I really wanted to help. In the canteen, J3s hugged each other, gave one another pats on the backs, and said their very last goodbyes, or at least the goodbyes they will ever say in a long time to come, as they prepared to part ways and get on with the next chapter of their lives. I still have slightly less than 2 years ahead of me. I'm really glad I stayed to watch the J3s on friday. Maybe it's time to wake up and start taking things seriously.
Then came frisbee camp. I wasn't expecting too much from this camp. I mean, after all it's just a recreational CCA right? If it's going to be physical, I am pretty sure I'm prepared after taking 4 years of physical training, pitched on a level way beyond what is to come. But really, I learnt many things. Well of course I improved my throws and game sense a lot more, but aside from that, I learnt things that changed the way I saw some things in the past.
They always tell you, you don't have to be in a leadership position to be a leader. I always thought that was pretty bull, but someone proved that wrong to me, and I respect him for that. In the camp we were divided into different groups, with some J2s attached to us. Some of the groups were pretty imbalanced, with like half or 3/4 of the entire J2 first team. My group supposedly had some of the better J1s according to the seniors, and the J2s were pretty good too. I sprained my foot (yeah i know it sounds really weird, but i kinda twisted it a little) on the second day in the morning while doing a disc-reading drill. I was stupid enough to go do a sudden backpedal while I was sprinting like hell. So yeah my foot couldn't take the pressure and I sprained the muscle. I didn't know if it was a sprain for the rest of the day cos I don't know how you can actually sprain your FOOT. haha. But now I do.
The last part of the camp was intra-CCA games, a mini competition among the different groups. My group did really badly for the first 2 games, losing 6-3, and 5-2 or something like that. After that all of us were pretty demoralised, and I was thinking to myself, 'yeah. we just lost cos we have zero J1 subs and linpin and I are both injured.' Maybe. I was expecting the J2s to be quite sian also. But no, they weren't. This guy, I shall call him G, he was still okay after those 2 matches. He didn't scold us or anything. G just told us very nicely to sit around in a circle, and went on to discuss our past 2 matches. He asked every single one of us for our opinions on why we lost, and how we might do better the next time round. He listened to us patiently, and no matter what we said, everything had a point. We corrected our mistakes, and we settled on doing a vertical stack the next match. And apparently, the vertical stack formation has never really been used in amphi-games before.
Just before we played, he told us, 'It doesn't matter if you lose or win. If you must lose, lose smart. If you win, win smart. Don't win just because you proved yourself to be faster or stronger. You can lose to all the good players in the world, but at the end of the day, remember, if you know why you lost, you are never really a loser.' Guess what. Next round, we played an all J2 team, with all first team players. And on our side, we were all J1s. So it was J1s vs J2s. We managed to end off with a 6-5. It was really impressive because we only lost by a single point.
We were all glad to see that G was happy after that match. Somehow, he had become our leader, our source of motivation. Well we didn't manage to do that well in the semi finals though, because my foot was really starting to take a toll on me, and everyone on my team was super tired cos our team was so small. We lost to the same group again by 3-1. But I think the people in my group learnt the most that day. G taught me that leadership isn't just about doing this, motivating people just before a match or on the field. To be a leader, you must live it out. It must shine from every single part of your life, and most importantly, it must shine from the heart. He wasn't a prefect, or captain, or anyone big in the past, unlike the different posts I held. However, I felt small when I stood next to him.
Well I guess that's all I can post for now. My entire lower body's aching like hell, and the sprain on my foot has given me a swell. (wow it rhymes) But yeah I can't even walk comfortably now. That's how bad it is. I can't even raise my knee up to chest level without grimacing. Gah. Study time.
2:54 PM
yuda
raffles_waterpolo'06+'07+'08,ripbWD,
moorhouse08,speed-skater,
counterstrike-source
Rafflesian
