This is the feeling. That particular feeling.
The feeling you get when you are halfway through sec 4 and you stop for a moment to think. Is this it? The Rafflesian experience? It's a scary feeling. It sends a chill down your spine and deep down in your heart you know that a few months later, the memories of everything that you have went through for the past 4 years will just be locked up in a small corner of your mind, and it can never ever come back to you anymore.
Today I went to the pool alone to train. I saw jiao lian and it felt really different. When I looked him in the eye to greet him, I was ashamed. And he definitely looked at me in a different way from the past. I stepped into the storeroom later on, wondering whether I should take the men's size ball, or the familiar women's size ball. I mean, after all I have finished my season. Settled on taking both in the end.
When I stepped into the pool and looked at my juniors train from a distance, I was shocked; I was shocked by the fact that, I will never be there again. I will never be there training under that same coach with that same intensity ever again. The familiar sounds of the whistle, the shouting and scolding, everything. I miss it.
A few years ago when I was in lower secondary, I went for ORA day, the one with Dr. William Tan's ultra-marathon feat. I still remember clearly, I was trying to sell nuts and some chocolates for the Raffles Entrepreneurs SIG, which unfortunately, is non-existent today. I remember the music blasting from the top of the canteen, the parents from RPA trying to sell food, the guys on the track running and trying to keep up with Dr. William Tan, the RI guys taking short curious peeks at the RGS girls, and vice versa. Everything. This is a cycle. A beautiful one indeed. And tomorrow, I will be completing mine. Although it will not be the last ORA day I take part in, the next time, it will be different.
Jon if you ever read this you must either be laughing hysterically or nodding your head and going 'mm. mm.'. Yea I understand it now. My secondary school experience will be like that for the rest of my life. The word is forever. I just can't bring myself to believe it. That's it. I am nearing the end of the road, for my secondary school life at least.
Suddenly, everything seems clearer now. I can see things in a different light. I see the reason why my teacher scolded me although I handed in that piece of work late with a valid reason; the reason why my senior screamed at me to cheer my schoolmates on while I played games on my handphone because I thought that they would lose anyway; the reason why some teachers only open up to me when I reach secondary 4 and so on.
And that is why, I want to cherish every single moment I have left in this school from tomorrow on, because I know, this will never come back to me again. I want to blaze this last stretch to the very end. Me = emo? Nah.
This is the feeling. That particular feeling.
8:56 PM
